Rebecca

Today I felt like my world would end if it didn't hurt. I'm always looking for someone to tell me how good my life is. Pain tells me that I'm real and Mike tells me that we're still happy and in love. I should be able to know both on my own. Maybe I'm just too numb. We see and feel so much every day in the media and all the overstimulating access we have to every tragic and heartwarming story in the entire world. My life seems so dull and insinificant unless i'm sufferng. I don't want to suffer, and I don't want to make myself suffer, but sometimes i do anyway because I'm afraid to not have passion and agonizing love is more obvious than sweet comfortble love, but no more real.

I live in PA now. A new lisence, plates and registration. Whoah. It was surprisingly tragic to surrender my Maine ID. Go figure. I guess that's just how I roll.

I am building myself a life. It is by no means a permanent structure, but it serves its place in the world. Not a sacrafice, but an opportunity to give to someone else. For all that it complicates or postpones my own life, I like it. It's good for me and for the family. Mike's life is so much shinier than mine, and it makes me sad sometimes, but it mostly just speaks to my constant impatience. Sometimes I forget how good life is. Work gets better, and dating Michael is fantastic. Sometimes i just have to shake the daydreams out of my head, beacause when the snowfakes finally settle, I like what I see inside the globe. I could be happy for the next five years too, or forever, wherever I am.

Cut and paste. That's what we do all day. We take mother nature in her infinite uncomprehensible beauty, we add chemicals, we cut away, we pull apart, then we re-assemble into something more docile and submissive that we can sink our proverbial teeth into, while our literal teeth rot from gnawing on the chemical non-food we glut ourselves on trying to cut and paste our fat undernourished bodies into something more tame, but even more unbeautiful.

It's hard to be grumpy when you're surrounded by roses all day. We had some gorgeous ones today. The rose sale is very popular, so we did 10 vases of a dozen roses and 8 vases of 2 dozen roses this afternoon. Some were red and some were assorted colors. We had some lovely large yellow roses and dark peach roses and one of my favorite reddish two-hued roses with red-tinted leaves. My hands still smell like eucalyptus.

so my boyfriend has a job. a real job. not one of those little blue collar jobbies like i have, but an actual job with a company email address and a company laptop and a desk and a shared office on the 21st floor of one of the tallest buildings in baltimore. that makes me feel a little old, and a little like a slacker. i guess in the back of my mind it never really sunk in that people actually get jobs like that with responsibilities and collared shirts and company perks and a salary. i'm not allowed to sit down at my job.

i didn't hit a truck this morning.
the driver noticed.
i am unemployed.

So I realize that I last wrote over 2 months ago. I suffiecently thwarted A hat, and am now blissful as I near the end of my observational stage in life and begin to seek routes for its mobilization. I am making sure to relish my last few months of childhood, although i'm sure it will be a lot easier 10 days from now when i have completed all my tests and papers and am lying in the florida sun. :)

Whoever invented finals week sucks. I spent so long working on my logic that by the time I got to my italian lit exam my brain didn't work and I kept falling asleep during the exam. I am so cracked out right now and in 5 hours I have to get up and drive to Maine. All i want is some carrot sticks to try to clear all the caffiene and alcohol out of my system. We'll see how tomorrow goes. It might be pretty interesting and/or fatal.

I'm all hopped up on nothing and i want to cry and never let go and see both feet in the door just once, but i'm happy, undeniably so i'll try not to look for trouble even if my neck is getting stiff by now.

It's that time of year again. I just want to stare at the lights and grin placidly and not think about logic and italian and my tires and laundry and toll money (or lack thereof). Hibernation always sets in just a little too early, or they let us go just a little too late.

What a perfect start to December!!!

Greg looks more and more like an elf every time I see him. (No not the christmas kind, more lord-of-the-rings-style.) His hair is long and peaked properly and i swear his ears even looked pointy this weekend.

My brother says "peace" to me instead of goodbye. I like that. I remember when we were younger and we all used to go to church and he refused to give me the sign of peace at mass. I think now we all want peace, but it's harder to find. There aren't always explanations or instigators. Sometimes it just rains.

What an odd semester. It's gone by so fast yet so much has happened. I've been forced to look into the face of the real world and I feel so naked without my idealism and the fact that that word now reminds me of Berkeley's metaphysic and not the fantasy world where I always lived.
The last home football game was yesterday. That was sadder than I would have thought. No more crowd pushups and marshmallow fights at halftime.
I decided I like being small. I can jump on people and not hurt them, and people will still give me piggyback rides at 21. That's pretty good.

"I'm not sure you understand the difference between "awesome" and "illegal."

Totally Crushing

I don't want my wounds exposed for others to lick and heal. I want for once to digest my own food and not need a mama bird to chew my worms.

I like D'Annunzio. He likes words and finds beauty in them even when descibing the basest of ideas. A woman smothered in fat. Completely unnecesary ideas of turnips. We could have been friends.

I never relax in my room. I check my mail and get things done here and crash, but generally i spend very little time here. I know this is causally related to the disorderly state of my room, but I've yet to determine which is cause and which is effect.

I like how when I sit in chairs, my feet don't often touch the floor.

Muck Fichigan... I almost forgot the excitement of Football season. The win yesterday was absolutely amazing. So crazy. I love the Irish!!!

In other news, life is good, and I very much need to do laundry.

I haven't been writing much. I feel like rainwater washing though a field in a storm and I don't much care to sit and acknowlege where I am. I like the feel of the grass around me, and analytical thoughts of where I am and where I'm going would only serve to distract me from the pleasant rush.